Tiny Mind Gazette

Tiny Mind Gazette urges pixel conservation and responsible electronic publishing

US Raster Pixel Storage Depot, located near Elizabeth NJ

Wapatusset – York Benchley, publisher of the Tiny Mind Gazette discussed significant cost-cutting measures during a recent Tiny Mind Gazette Publishing Group, Inc. (TMGPG) board of directors meeting. Significant staff cutbacks to unpaid interns were not addressed, as previously rumored.

However, the current pixel shortage within the digital imaging marketplace has caused unprecedented concerns from within the electronic publishing community.

With the current federal administration’s refusal to release emergency pixel reserves, electronic media online presence and sustainability has been brought into question.

TMG publisher, York Benchley III

“We have been making every effort to maximize responsible pixel use by reducing image size as well as extensive adverb and colorful adjective usage within published articles,” remarked Mr. Benchley.

“If the situation continues to worsen, we may have to resort to printing our flagship communications vehicle, Tiny Mind Gazette, on traditional fabricated wood pulp fiber sheets.”

Scientist have recently made major strides in developing a self-sustaining single point, raster pixel, that is both green and recyclable. “We totally appreciate green from an environmental and financial standpoint but our audience insists on pixel color variety,” added York, raising a half-filled highball glass containing an amber liquid and crimson maraschino cherry.

Unpaid TMG interns discuss the recent plunge in national raster pixel resources

“If we were crafting an article regarding sod growth, Peter Pan, or Green Bay Packers, green pixels would be quite acceptable,” stated TMG graphic designer, Clem Clintons. “I would rather conserve the R (red) and B (blue) pixels by well-calculated, pinpoint placement rather than flooding the screen with too much G (green),” Clem added.

Mr. Benchley also announced that Tiny Mind Gazette email notifications would cease to those individuals who have not manually subscribed to the ‘TMG feed’ located in the upper right corner of the publication. If you are a current TMG email recipient, please go to the TMG site and reregister by clicking on the link demonstrated below. “We are not going to waste our dwindling pixel reserves on emails that wallow in recipients inbox and junk mail folders.”

Better yet, click on the BIG RED BUTTON below and you will be on the road to success!

Tiny Mind Gazette Horoscopes for July 2011

By Beau Donie, Seer Extraordinaire, Font of Wisdom and Light, Midnight Avenger
(Guaranteed Accuracy Rate of, or Below 100%)

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22) :: An excellent month for growth, though probably not for you.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 23) :: I see a great deal of money coming your way :: a veritable fortune…Oh wait, that’s a Brinks truck. Stay on the curb till they drive past. Count your toes.

Virgo The Virgin (August 24 to September 22) :: Scan the obituaries every day this month. If you see your name, this will not be a good period for you. Spend a lot of time lying down.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 23) :: One of your distant relatives will appear soon. Photocopy her driver’s license before letting her use your bathroom. Ask her if Uncle Zed actually built Yellowstone Park like the family legend says.

Scorpio The Scorpion (duh!) (October 24 to November 21) :: Good things for this water sign: Little Jimmy’s rash will finally clear up, but I wouldn’t share a milkshake with him. Or even a bus.

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21) :: Put your diary on eBay. Chances are good that it will not only sell for a good price but you will also find a new use for bleu cheese.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19) :: A great month to break old ties and start new ones. Greet strangers on the street, invite them in for lemonade, share your life’s most embarrassing moments, such as greeting strangers on the street because you read it online.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 19) :: Look for new avenues of investment this month. We suggest sending lots of unmarked bills to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. It looks like a big payoff for someone whose advice you rely upon.

Pisces The Fish (February 20 to March 20) :: A tough month for this water sign. Watch your step every morning. Your front step. The brickwork seems a little loose. Probably not as loose as your mother, but still…

Aries The Ram (March 21 to April 20) :: An excellent month to change something you don’t like about yourself. Get a new hairstyle perhaps. Throw out any piece of your wardrobe with orange. Plunge your face into a roiling vat of french fries.

Taurus The Bull (April 21 to May 20) :: It looks like you’ll have to be patient just a little longer. The situation you’re anticipating will resolve in 2022.

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20) :: An auspicious month when salad tends to watch people. Be sure to shave daily, be honest in all your dealings, and use extra dressing to keep it distracted.

Send all your astrological queries to Beau Donie, c/o Tiny Mind Gazette. They will be ignored in the order in which they are received.

10 Things your mother NEVER said.

1. Tonight is 'talk-with-your-mouth-full night.’ Everybody ready?
2. Finish your dessert or you won't get any vegetables.
3. How many times have I asked you to mess your room up? What are you some kind of neat freak?
4. Take that cleanly pressed collared shirt off and put on this ratty T-shirt, tonight is a special occasion!
5. Pour this cup of sugar on your Fruit Loops then run around the house like a maniac.
6. Please sit closer to the television. You need to strengthen your eyesight.
7. Change your clothes at least 5 times today so I can do some more laundry. I'll be waiting by the washer.
8. You need sit next to your brother in church today. Here’s some chewing gum and a Red Bull. Now I want to hear giggling!
9. Here’s a new BB gun, now go outside and have some fun!
10. For heaven’s sake, put that homework away. The TV’s not going to watch itself!

Partially based on material pilfered from Steve BonDurant’s Facebook page (May 25, 2011), including content provided by Julie Zapata, Lisa Coutermarsh Hall, and Phil Bliss.

 

Wapatusset’s Smallgreens prepares for onslaught of overheated, short-tempered and extremely sweaty concert-goers

With local temperatures approaching the 100º mark and the Middle School Spring Concert scheduled for this evening, Smallgreens Pharmacy is prepared for the worst. The Wapatusset police department received more than a few calls from disgruntled residents, who live in close proximity to the tchotchke filled, Muzak squawking, cookie-cutter chain store, complaining about the onslaught of tractor-trailer trucks delivering merchandise throughout the night.

Assistant store manager and customer-facing display inventory coordinator* Sully Rodriguez remarked: “When we learned that this year’s concert would be conducted under an H3 Alert,** we quickly sent an emergency request to HQ, requesting multiple shipments of personal fans, hand-held portable body misters, industrial-strength body spray, time-released antiperspirant, smelling salts, and extra-strength headache remedies.”

“Our pharmacy has stocked up on ACE Inhibitors, Beta Blockers and ALL forms of high blood pressure medicines.*** We have prepared for the worst!”

As a refresher, read about last year’s concert in our sister city of Winnetuxet, Wisconsin:
Record Nearly Shattered: World’s Longest School Concert

*One who stocks shelves
**Hazy, Hot, Humid
***Side effects may include: Fainting, slow or irregular heartbeat, fever and swollen ankles or feet

Horoscopes: June, June, the Human Baboon

By Beau Donie, Master Seer, Smeller, Taster, Hearer

Gemini The Twins (May 21 to June 20)—A great time to start that novel you’ve been putting off. Remember: strong nouns, strong verbs, and strong characters. Also lots of condiments make good filler for the slow parts. “While he was away, she relished seeing his nose and tongue print on the window.”

Cancer The Crab (June 21 to July 22)—Two strangers will come into your life in the next few days. One of them will not have natural hair color. One of them will not have natural hair. Be open to their offers but don’t say yes until you read the fine print.

Leo The Lion (July 23 to August 22)—Make something special for a female relative today and put it in the freezer. The next time you see her, ask: “Why haven’t you picked up that thing I made for you? It’s taking up a huge amount of space in my freezer. And it’s not even food. What gives?”

Virgo The Virgin (August 23 to September 22) —Sometime in the next seven days you will get a “special offer” in the mail. Watch for it and sign up quickly.

Libra The Scales (September 23 to October 22)—A new relationship is right around the corner for you but it’s probably best if you don’t wear the leash in public.

Scorpio the Scorpion (duh) (October 23 to November 21)—Take the names of all your Facebook friends, and count the letters in them. Now multiply that number by 7. See? I know!  

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 to December 21)— Look both ways before cross-dressing.

Capricorn The Mountain Goat (December 22 to January 19)— Eat more today then yesterday. Then tomorrow eat less than today. The next day, eat more. Repeat. Let us know how this all works out.

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 to February 18)—You’re thinking of moving again soon, but we counsel waiting just a bit longer. …okay, you can move now.

Pisces The Fish (February 19 to March 20)—Exercise! It’s a weekday! And change your own damn tank water. Sheesh.

Aries the March 21 to April 19—This is a great time to work on your foreign accent. Squint when people talk to you and then mutter answers like “Chow-see. Gesundheit avec vous. Yatta woe?”

Taurus The Bull (April 20 to May 20)— You have an annoying habit of asking your friends inane questions, such as, if you were a duchess, would you free the trees or make the monkeys into popsicles? Please try to stop, because the thing is, no one wants to be a duchess.

Is Your Body Ready for Swim Suit Weather? Take The Mysterious Dr. F's: 6 Question Test

“Do I look fat in these Comfort Top seersucker shorts?” and 6 other questions to ask yourself before unveiling your summer body to the world.

If you answer “yes” to three or more of the following questions, Dr. F advises you to think twice before exposing your flesh to the public—and frightening your children. (Stay tuned for unbiased advertorials on Dr. F’s new miracle detox formula and stretch mark cream.)

1. Do you have t-shirts that read:

So many buffets, so little time!

Make eating an official sport

My other home is a bakery truck

2. Does the GNC scale at the local mall taunt you and dare you to remember the last time you checked your weight? And....Once you take the bait and drop in 50 cents, does it give you an estimate of 600 days to get back to target weight....and your lotto numbers for Friday?

3. Does your sister ask “Are you pregnant?” (…and you are a guy).

4. Are you sick of paying for ladders that cost a buck for every pound after 200 lbs and dare you to use the ladder if you are over 300 lbs? (And have the Boy Scouts started a ladder climbing fundraiser for the over-300 crowd in your neighborhood?)

5. Are you limited to Wii Tennis because Wii Fit has a 300 lb weight limit?

6. Are you afraid of violating the Congressional Bridge Formula of 1975? Are you afraid of crossing bridges in your car loaded down with you and three friends? (According to Dr. F, any five-passenger vehicles are rated about 850 pounds, maxing out if their five occupants weigh more than 170 pounds each. Six 200-pounders would overload the seven-passenger Dodge Grand Caravan minivan.)

In the Danger Zone? Here’s some useful information:

Weight Loss Stories for inspiration
(Note that they blindfolded the first successful weight loser and fed the second guy's whole family to the shark and all he was left with six months later was an iPhone and a towel. They also made one guy write a weight loss haiku.)

Jump into the Weight Loss Phone Booth for Women

Or watch Weight Loss Time Lapse: 84 Days In 48 Seconds (below)

 

– by The Mysterious Dr. F.

Police BLOG: Townie Wars and Dueling Lawnmowers

5/21, 10:20 a.m. – Officers called to scene to break up wrestling match between two middle-aged males in cul-de-sac. According to witnesses, Neighbor A had been taunting Neighbor B for two days about his expensive LawnBott battery-powered robotic lawnmower, calling him a “lazy yuppie.”

Neighbor B had objected to noise and exhaust from Neighbor A’s 30-year-old push mower with smoking Briggs and Stratton engine and rusted muffler, calling him a “redneck townie.” Shouting match quickly escalated to skirmish and then to "freestyle wrestling."

Police cars rushed to the scene but were blocked by seven commercial landscape trucks flanking side street. By the time they reached the men, one had a bloody nose and torn polo shirt; the other suffered from mild abrasions and “extreme heartburn.”

Both men were cited for disturbing the peace. This is the second offense for both in the past two years (see “Snow Blower Rage”). Townie previously cited for incident at Red Ly'in Inn. 

- Reported by Agent SS

What's on Your Post-Apocalypse Bucket List?

Our unpaid roving reporters caught up with some locals in the tiny suburban town of Wapatusset, most of them grateful to be alive post May 21st. 

We asked them: Now that End of Days has come and gone, do you have a new lease on life? A renewed sense of purpose? Did you experience a spiritual awakening? What's on your REVISED to-do list? (Readers, please share your own in the Comments section below.)

Biff Buffington
Launch new hedge fund while helicopter skiing. Ironman Kona on crack.

Scrim Shaw
Looks like I’ll be working through those cases of corned beef hash and deviled ham in my basement for the next three months.

Tiffany Lamp (former Queen, Fall Festival of Leaves)
Crash diet ‘til June 15. Detox smoothies. Switch Chardonnay for vodka and Crystal Lite®.

Crazy Old Guy
Don’t go thinking the naysayers will have the last laugh. The world is going to hell in a handbag while the rest of you sit around arguing about your sewers and cesspools and Invisiblines and what-not while drinking your designer water. Mark my words…

Buff Biffington
Float IPO while paragliding. Seven-day Glenlivet/golf bender. 

Nan Flanders
Had I known we’d all still be here I never would have released my tell-all sequel to “In Any Other Town I'd Be Rich and Skinny”. Looks like I might have to get out of Dodge sooner that I thought.

Rapture Preparation Checklist: Don't let the end of the world ruin your weekend!

1. Weed-whack around religious yard ornaments
2. Remove all "archived" religious icons from attic or storage unit and distribute evenly throughout the home
3. Unplug the iron
4. Display Holy Bible or similar religious doctrines in prominent place, simultaneously removing any questionable or suggestive reading material
5. Spend at least 15 minutes brushing up on familiar hymns, chants, Bible verses
6. Contact cable company and cleanse your package of any networks/channels that contain "mature content"
7. Plan flameproof, rapture-appropriate outfit (sensible footwear encouraged)
8. Aggressively dab on sunscreen (every 15-20 minutes) to build up 2-3 inch layer of a skin protection
9. Purchase large-lensed, wraparound Foster Grant's with maximum glare-reducing lenses
10. Avoid foods with pork listed as a key ingredient
11. Consider flame retardant fanny-pack instead of traditional purse/satchel/handbag
12. Saturday morning t-shirt choice: OZZY or Jesus Saves? Hello?
13. Consider spending most of Saturday involved in church, temple, or mosque related activities
14. Cancel the newspaper and stop the mail
15. Brush up on the Ten Commandments (memorizing at least seven)
16. Delete cell phone call history
17. Honk for Jesus
18. Floss

Practice Makes Perfect :: microMovie premier by Christopher Harting

 

The Tiny Mind Gazette is proud to be showing Christoper Harting's newest microMovie, "Practice Makes Perfect." The full-featured 1:06 minute, epic adventure features a cast of relatively unknowns engaged in a spring baseball practice. Critics have compared Harting's latest work to other sports movie classics such as Hoosiers, Brian's Song and the critically acclaimed, Catcher in the Rye (see movie still, below). Harting describes his latest masterpiece as, "Spring training plus words of wisdom – at one frame per second."

To see more of Harting's work, please click here.